2. Generally, the younger the child, the more difficult the process of divorce will be. However, the younger child can make the best recovery if you handle the child with sensitivity and if you and the other parent consistently treat each other with respect.

3. Children's needs in general:

• Children need to have a regular and consistent relationship with each parent.

• Children needs should be addressed as one of your primary concerns.

• Children need to be kept out of the conflicts between their parents. They must feel free to love and express their love towards each parent.

• Children need acceptance, especially if they show regressive behaviors.

4. Developmental stages most children go through:

Ages 0 -2: Security is Primary

At this developmental stage, the infant experiences the greatest amount of physical and neurological development, including formation of the ability to form attachments to others. The nature of parental care can create the most benefit or cause the most damage at this stage. The very young child needs to bond and feel secure. Trust of others is the main issue. The infant's responses are to the immediate environment. Infants are unaware of long term events. They may become anxious, withdrawn, irritable and cranky in response to stress and may experience a great fear of being abandoned. Short but frequent visits with the non-residential parent are advisable in a familiar environment.

Ages 3 - 5: Self-Centeredness is Primary

Developmentally the young child begins to form relationships outside of the family. Skill development includes language, motor skills and socialization. A positive self-image is created through a sense of mastery. The young child begins to develop a sense of empathy towards others and a sense of moral standards. Parents must provide opportunities for socialization and must model moral behavior, empathy and social skills. The pre-schooler is able to anticipate events that will occur in the near future. Power issues arise at this age and the child may come to believe that he/she is the cause of the parents' separation. As a result, the young child may experience unwarranted feelings of guilt. These children may be able to handle overnight visitations with the non-residential parent if they do not seem to be experiencing excessive anxiety.

Ages 6 - 12: Independence is beginning to emerge

Developmentally, the child learns skills of reasoning and abstraction. Social relationships and activities expand outside of the home. Parents must be able to provide proper monitoring and guidance to the child.

These children have more self-control and discipline and are more independent and interested in peer relationships. They tend to be easiest to guide. School problems may develop as a result of stress. Therefore, the parents' involvement in school activities should increase. The child may still be experiencing feelings of guilt over the parents' split up or the child may grieve for the "lost" parent. Older children in this age group may come to blame one parent or the other. Parents should be prepared to accept and discuss expressions of anger with the child.

Parents should provide consequences for appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. Consistency between parents is desirable. Longer access to the non-residential parent is desirable.

Ages 13 - 18: Adolescence

Developmentally, the adolescent child starts to become autonomous and independent from his/her parents. Sexuality becomes an issue and problem solving and cognitive skills continue to develop. Parents must provide opportunity for independent decision making while balancing the child's need for guidance and information.

The adolescent should be given clear standards, rules, and expectations which he/she can discuss with the parent. Consistency of enforcement of rules is important. The adolescent child needs room to make his/her own INFORMED decisions.

For all adolescents, these years are difficult, but they are capable of developing a deeper understanding of psychological factors in relationships. Adolescents are trying to cope with many new issues. They may be self-conscious about being from a "broken home". They may worry about their future financial stability and may try to take on a protective role towards one of the parents. Adolescents should be actively involved in planning for time with each parent. It is not uncommon for an adolescent to express a desire to move into the non-residential parent's home. The possibility of re-marriage of a parent may be stressful for the adolescent child.

5. Joint custody is always preferable for children; however, the parents MUST be able to get along well enough to make reasonable decisions together regarding the child.

6. Parents are role models for their children at all ages. Parents who are able to work cooperatively with each other make the best positive role models and therefore, are most likely to produce the healthiest children.

7. Parents who choose to mediate their problems, including the separation and divorce, have taken a giant step towards teaching their children that not all serious conflicts end in disastrous results. If the child observes a serious conflict being well managed, he/she is likely to have fewer emotional problems associated with the divorce.